A Letter to the Man Who Sleeps with the Woman I Love
A letter to the man who sleeps with the woman I love:
Dear Brother –
I am in joy. I am also scared.
First, thank you.
Thank you for showing up in her life in the way that you have. You’ll be
exchanging eye gazes, sweet energy, laughter, meals, and touch with her. I
know this will bring her joy. And her joy is my joy. I know it’s hard to
believe, but the freedom for her to explore with you is evidence of my
unconditional love for her.
To me, true love means wishing for my beloved to be fulfilled in every
possible way, even if that fulfillment comes with some emotional work for
You see, we men have existed in a double standard narrative for thousands of
years. Men have been mostly respected (or at least tolerated) for having
more than one lover. Women have been slut-shamed, punished, and even
murdered in some countries for loving more than one.
There is a revolution of this narrative taking place and we can join this
wave of change together.
Brother, you are something I can never be. You are other. You are her
novelty, her adventure. When she shares her life story with you (the story I
know oh so well) she will have the chance to be mirrored back with a new
curiosity. And that feels amazing for me to know.
To take this experience away from her would be to exercise a conditional
love, a selfish love. If exploring new love can bring her immense joy, then
who am I to interfere? Conventional love is conditional love. It says… “I
love you, except for this one condition: I will not share you for as long as
you are with me.”
So I choose unconventional love, which says… “I love you unconditionally,
therefore, your joy is my joy, even if that joy does not come from me.”
If you are reading this, then you likely have shown up in my life as a true
brother, open-hearted and caring. She wouldn’t have it any other way. You
honor the roots she and I have intertwined and the commitments we have made
to each other. Like us, you’ve done the work to transcend most of your
You’ve aligned yourself with the idea that our core human needs (certainty,
love, significance, variety, growth and service) are served by the ideal
that we all have the capacity to love more than one, if we do so in a
She is a divine feminine goddess. She is beautiful inside and out. She
lights up any room she walks into. Her heart is enormous. She is committed
to her own personal growth and to leaving this world better than she found
it. She is a woman that I am sworn to protect, yet one that I do not
Despite my patriarchal conditioning, keeping all of her goodness to myself
would be a sin. I have chosen the path less traveled in that I honor her
freedom to radiate out love and take in love, to be seen for all the good
that she is, by other than just me. This freedom means more mirrors to
mirror back, which leads to more growth, more healing, and more service for
her to experience. All of this makes me happy to imagine.
Still, I am scared.
The little boy in me is scared of being abandoned. The high school kid who
was dumped by his girlfriend for the star soccer player right before Prom.
And the man who lost two big loves to other men on this road less traveled.
This is my wounding.
I am keenly aware that there are many wounded men out there who have not
been able to show up for women in the ways they need to flourish. I am
afraid that someone new may upset all the healing work we’ve done together,
or worse, re-wound her. While I don’t know you well (yet) and only time will
tell, I trust that everything will unfold the way it’s meant to unfold. I
also trust in her judgment.
I persist with this love-style because it remains my deepest truth. I push
forward with the faith that there are others out there (hopefully you) who
share in our freedom to love more than one for life. Others who no longer
wish to exist in a competitive landscape of disposable relationships or a
“zero-sum game” where one’s gain is often another’s loss.
Brother, we are not adversaries, nor are we competing for the heart of this
woman. You know this. Her heart belongs to no one but her. This goddess,
with her free will, gets to choose how to share her space and her time. If
you are ever confused, scared, or not fully expressed, please know that you’re
in good company. It will always be my intention to uphold a safe container
that is full of heart-centered, open, peaceful communication for everyone
So I thank you for the joy. I thank you for coming into her (and my) world,
and I ask that we see each other, love each other, and build our brotherhood
from our common ground… this beautiful soul. While nothing is expected from
you, I do wish to know you, learn from you, and share with you. I look
forward to playing together, creating together and exploring all
possibilities in friendship.
AND thank you for scaring me.
Thank you for allowing me to do the work I still need to do. I am human and
am still shedding the discomforts that we’ve all been conditioned to carry
for many generations. It is my mission to release these discomforts and I am
grateful to have you (and her) on this journey with me. Thank you in advance
for being patient and for being gentle with me.
Treat her well, brother. She is worthy of and will expect nothing but
excellent care, high-quality love, and mindful communication. The one
benefit of our love-style is that no one gets to settle for mediocrity or
complacency. We all are motivated to grow each day and show up as the best
versions of ourselves.
Lastly, please remember this: your joy is also my joy. Genuinely.
This post originally appeared on http://freelovediaries.com
Follow the link to see their beautiful Tales of Ethical Non-Monogamy and Conscious Polyamory