Happy Coming Out Day! The Secret Online World of the Polyamorous

Happy coming out day!

If you’ve ever come out of any closet, no matter what color, you incredibly strong and we celebrate. If you haven’t or can’t, we’re sorry and we understand. Not everybody in every community has that privilege. For those that don’t, it isn’t easy. If they are in the closet, they are normally on their laptops. Here’s what it’s like from the Polyamorous perspective.

Some people are openly Polyamorous. This means they love more than one person at a time, ethically, and don’t care who knows it. The truth of the matter is, now every person can be that way. You may know a Polyamorist and not even know it! Most Poly people have to hide their orientation. Being “out” is rare, especially for married professionals, because the way Polyamory is viewed It is still more popularly known for being a dirty game of cheating.

For this reason, Polyamorists hide online. The online community is a large and active network of support and celebration. While there are ways to get together in person, the internet is where we find and communicate with each other without the added fear of judgement.

What on Earth is that like?

In secret Facebook groups, we share our feelings. The things most Mono friends wouldn’t understand. Our struggles with obviously unwarranted jealousy are met with comfort and support rather than a shaming of the lifestyle. We can get advice that pertains to our relationship styles.

You can post selfies of you and your partner in the same day you post one with your husband. Imagine posting a photo online of you with two women and saying, “I’m so lucky to have a loving wife and girlfriend”. How the hell do you think that would go over for your friends?

Many Poly peers have an extra Facebook that they add their more open friends to. This is to prevent any information from reaching their family, colleagues, or old church friends. Single parents could lose their kids and prominent lawyers could lose their reputation, so the Facebook normally has a fake name.

There is also the matter of online dating qui vend du viagra. Being able to submit that you are Polyamorous in your dating profile makes it easier for you to find others that feel the same way. The ability to list that upfront is still a huge perk that you don’t get the luxury of when somebody hits on you at a bar:

Him: Hey, come here often?

Me: I have a boyfriend.

Him: Oh, I’m sorry.

Me: No, no. He’s cool with it. We do this all the time.

Him: Uhm..

The conversation with a dating app or profile is a lot less awkward. This makes online dating one of the best tools a Polyamorist can have in their pocket.

With Polyamory becoming more and more popular, there are plenty of people that already have a negative opinion of the lifestyle. Messages will sometimes be surrounding a man’s desire to “save me” from Polyamory and show me a “one true love”. That’s sweet. Not what I want, but sweet.

There also not so nice messages accusing me of being a slut and just wanting to sleep around. That being said, all women get those messages for even having dating apps in the first place, so I can’t say that’s an exclusively Polyamorous problem.

What about the people that are out of the Poly Closet?

Meeting outside the safety of the internet happens, it just yields a smaller group. In my city, veterans and newbies alike meet for support group meetings weekly. Topics like jealousy, multi-partner relationships, and love languages are all discussed.

There’s a monthly subject in which we open up the floor for the curious Monogamous couples. They see we’re not field dwelling Mormons, but actual people. We have talks in the support group we attend about how important it is to keep information confidential. Some people even use fake names.

There are occasionally meet ups of all of the openly (and sometimes not so openly) Polyamorous peeps at a bar. With a tight online network, even people you’ve never met in person before, you practically know. These lower pressure meets make it feel casual. it’s still a public bar, so you’re not 100% free of the glances. Though you might be seen leaning on a lover that isn’t your spouse or even kissing somebody that your friends would think a stranger, the risk of you being seen at this particular bar by people you know is lower.

It also just feels nice to have more Poly people around to informally relate to and meet. As a Polyamorous person, it is much easier to date somebody already in the lifestyle than introduce a Monogamous person to it. These bar meet ups celebrate the lifestyle.

The delicate nature of what it means to be Polyamorous and the dangers associate with being open about it are a very real concern. An online community is often the freest expression of Polyamory that we have available. While meeting in person is fun, it isn’t a luxury that everybody has. There’s a secret world of us hiding out there, clacking away at blogs, forums, and groups.

Self expression is an important part of being healthy. We hope to all be able to come out soon.


Have a coming out story? We’d love to hear it. Celebrate yourself below!